the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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