When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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