i already hear my dad disowning me
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
