PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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