i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
