Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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