I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
