If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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