my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
