I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
