my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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