i think my mom watched the whole time
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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