i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just had sex bonerless
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.