WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
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BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
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It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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