Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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