if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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