I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
