any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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