You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
