...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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