my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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