Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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