Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
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i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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