dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
vagina is talking i cant
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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