Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
