he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Randomize
