It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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