I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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