I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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