Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
