I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Randomize
