Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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