It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
