I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
