I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
