The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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