Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
