I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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