I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
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Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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