I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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