My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
