Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
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Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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