And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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