He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
