i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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