i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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