and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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