When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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