I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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