ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
