Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
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you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize