well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just had sex on a roof
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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