Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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