So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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