god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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