your thong is hanging out like whoa
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Moan for me like Helen Keller
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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