Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
